Joey M.D.

I was maybe 3 or 4 when I started those “I want to be a _____” when I grow up. My choices then were “teacher” or “nurse”. It was the early 1970s, you see, and the women who aren’t stay at home moms and wives limited themselves to only a few choices. My mom helps my dad out in his business, but that’s basically it. Being Chinese immigrants, most of my families, on both sides, were involved in some business or another. So, you see, my choices were actually “businesswoman”, “housewife” and the few women professionals I see, which, as you guessed are the teachers and the nurses.

I never entertained the idea of being a stay at home wife and mother because my mom was working. My grandmother was also working. My idea was that women really work in the office (and go home to cook, clean up, wash the clothes, stay up late if one of us were sick) like men (who JUST work in the office and do NONE of the household chores Hehehe — that’s the men in OUR family).

It was my parents who suggested — “If you want to be a nurse and take care of sick people, why don’t you aim higher and be a doctor instead and treat those sick people?” “You’ll called doktora!” “You’d be one cool female! Imagine, a female doctor!” They also warned me: “But you will have to study for at least 10 years after high school!”

It didn’t take much prodding on their part. I’ve always been very interested in the clinic of my pediatrician. He’s male, by the way, and he’s the only one I see through most of my childhood, so that probably made me think that all doctors are males. My parents made me see that I could be a doctor too, even if I were female.

After that, it was always “I want to be a doctor!” My brothers went through the phases of changing ambitions every so often, but I didn’t. Thanks to my parents’ brainwashing?

The only one in our family who was not enthusiastic about my ambition was my grandfather. He wanted me to become an accountant. He actually “bribed” me by saying he’ll buy me a house someday if I go with his wishes. Later, it changed to a car. And a guaranteed position of “treasurer” in his company. He told me that doctors do not earn much money, unlike a businessperson (Hmmm, tama pala siya — I probably should have listened to him! Hehehe :P). But I was steadfast. I want to be a doctor, and that was it. He still tried to convince me otherwise through the years, but he didn’t succeed in changing my mind. My grandmother, his wife, was different. She liked the idea. Much later, she even gave me some money to buy some of my equipment.

Fast forward to the early nineties…My parents had supported me through my primary, secondary and tertiary educations. As with a lot of people, I wavered a bit about going on to medicine or just taking the med tech boards and looking for a job. Medicine would entail more years of study, which would still make me totally dependent on my parents when my peers would have already started out on their own. My parents assured me that they would not mind. They have looked forward to this day. So started my journey in medical education.

Between college graduation and entering med school, we went on a vacation in the US. While there, an aunt suggested that we look into medical schools in the area. She made an inquiry with the University of Southern California and offered board and lodging if I were to decide to stay there. I could never forget the look on my father’s face. It’s a “I do not want to let my baby girl out of my sight” look but he did not have the heart to say NO because that might have made a difference in my career. Eventually, I was the one who made the decision to just have my medical education at home because it would be too expensive for my parents if I study in the US, even if I had free lodgings.

Oh yeah, they did tell me not to have any boyfriends while I was still studying. I do not know if it’s because I took their advice to heart or it’s just that I wasn’t ready, so all throughout high school, college and medicine, I was single, even if I had some suitors. Of course, I knew that they would *prefer* Chinese boys, too. Unfortunately for me, most of the boys who fancied me were not Chinese.

I’ll never forget Graduation Day. That’s because my mother canceled a European trip just to see me march on stage. A trip she had planned for ages. Mama, that meant so much to me. Both Dad and Mom were with me during that proud time.

When I decided to go into residency, I chose Ophthalmology because, to put it simply, it was the specialty I fell in love with. My parents were like: “Ophthalmology? I don’t go to an ophthalmologist! They do not have as many patients as Pediatrics!” (That was what I originally wanted…before I experienced it firsthand and decided that although I love kids, I do not like seeing sick kids.) But they supported me just the same.

2 major things happened during my senior year in Ophthalmology residency.

First, Dad got diagnosed with Lung Cancer.

Second, I met my first boyfriend, who eventually became my husband. Incidentally, he is not Chinese.

My Mom wanted me to consider dropping out of my residency to take care of Dad. “After all,” she reasoned, “you can always start over again. You’re still young (although I was already 29 then). Your Dad needs you.” My Dad didn’t want me to stop. He said that I only had 1 year left and that I should finish it. He didn’t want to be the one to hold me back. And he didn’t. I was able to finish my residency that year. I just took a leave whenever I need to accompany him to his doctor or when he needed to have some procedures done or to get admitted. It helped that my specialty was not as “toxic”, I was already a senior and thus not the first on-call, I had great consultants, co-seniors and co-residents, and most of all, because I had the most understanding boyfriend who went through the same thing (his dad died of lung CA just a few months before) –he even understood why I couldn’t let my parents know about our relationship yet. He was my pillar of strength during those trying times.
My Dad and Mom wanted to be with me during my graduation from residency, but my Dad was feeling very bad during that day. I was resigned to the fact that it would only be my brother. My boyfriend is there too, but I wanted Dad and Mom. I was overjoyed when at near the end of the ceremony, I saw my mother come in the room. She wanted to see me on this very special day!

Afterwards, it was a difficult year, between my dad’s illness, reviewing for the diplomate boards and starting a new practice. Unfortunately, my Dad didn’t see me become a diplomate in Ophthalmology. He died a week before I was due to take the oral examinations. He died before walking me down the aisle. He died before seeing his first grandchild.

I got married to the most wonderful man at the age of 34 and got pregnant 1 month after. I told myself that I would just take a short maternity leave and go back to work ASAP. I was thinking 1 month only. But my son had his first seizure episode at 8 days old. He was hospitalized and worked up, but there were no structural problems, no infection, no fever, no metabolic problems. He was hospitalized 2 more times for seizures again but again, nothing came out. His neurologist decided to put him on prophylactic phenobarbital until his first birthday.

Thank God, he’s been off phenobarbital for almost 2 years and he seems to be growing to be a healthy boy. But because of his prior condition, we had to make a lot of major decisions. My maternity leave stretched to 3 months. My clinic schedule was cut from 6 days a week to 4 days a week. We also moved back to my mother’s house because it’s much nearer the hospitals (where we can bring our son in case we need to) and much nearer our clinics (so we can rush home whenever needed).

My family and my career has always been intertwined in a fine web. When I was single, I concentrated more on becoming a doctor and my family has been supportive of it. Now that I’m married, my family is my priority and my career only second as I have to attend to my family’s needs. I am aware that these two will continue to evolve and change through the years, as the circumstances we are in change.

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This is my contribution to the 10th edition of The Blog Rounds, which I am hosting.  The Call for Articles is here.